Between Logic and Feeling

At the start of this pandemic, I was in denial. Something like this has never happened to me, knowing that there was a deadly virus going around was scary enough, but when schools closed, I panicked. Quarantine has been a constant battle between logic and feeling. My brain is a constant mess, and my heart a drum beating out of my chest. Feeling lost and confused, not knowing how to think or feel. I find myself shaking from time to time, wondering when this nightmare will end. I’ve started to crave the little things. The walks I had to school with headphones blasting music, the constant movement of the city, the feeling of the sun on my face and the ground beneath my feet. I miss the chats I’ve had with friends, the warmth of a hug, and the feeling of companionship. Now all I feel is the deep and utter loneliness. 

I know I'm not the only one. Everyone is so focused on the news, everything is in hyperdrive, we’re all craving some piece of mind. The coronavirus isn't the only thing that’s spreading, so is the paranoia that all of us are trying to keep hidden. We’re all scared, not because of the virus, not entirely because of the isolation, but of what will happen because of it. How will our lives feel the same after this? Will we ever feel that sense of normalcy as before? I’ve lost my senior year, my prom, my goodbyes to all my peers and teachers, my school trips and senior benefits. Will I ever get to walk that stage as people cheer for me, jumping from teen life to young adulthood?

These feelings of paranoia and anxiety for the future is something I want others to understand. I want people to know that they aren't alone. It’s normal to feel scared. It's okay to be uncomfortable with the idea of what the future holds. Feel comfort in knowing you are never alone, as the world stands with you during this time of need.

between logic and feeling

an ocean of confusion

The constant drumming of my heart

craving the little things

as news spreads, so does paranoia.

only my hope keeps me afloat

Trapped in the place I used to call home

Hope is something that never dies

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